According to the singer, Jonghyun requested that she upload the letter for the world. She revealed that he had talked to her about deep, dark thoughts, and she had alerted his family and tried to hold on to him. She expressed that she did not know if it was the right thing to do, but revealed that Jonghyun asked her to reveal the letter if he was gone from the world. She believed there was a reason he left her the letter and admitted there would be controversies, but also believed he entrusted the letter to her knowing all of the above. She has also conferred with the family before revealing it, and decided to fulfill his final wish.
The full letter reads as below.
[Warning: the letter could be triggering for some people.]
I am damaged from the inside. The depression that has been slowly eating away at me has completely swallowed me, and I couldn't win over it.
I hated myself. I tried to hold on to breaking memories and yelled at myself to get a grip, but there was no answer.
If I can't clear my breath, it's better to stop.
I asked myself who can take care of myself.
It's only me.
I was alone.
It's easy to say I'll end things.
It's hard to end things.
I lived all this time because of that difficulty.
They said I wanted to run away.
That's true. I wanted to run away.
From me.
From you.
I asked who it was. It was me. And it was me. And it was me again.
I asked why I kept losing my memories. They said it was because of my personality. I see. It wa smy fault in the end.
I wanted someone to notice, but no one noticed. No one met me, so of course they don't know I exist.
I asked why people live. Just. Just. People just live.
If I ask why people die, I guess they'd say they were tired.
I suffered and I worried. I never learned how to turn my pain into happiness.
Pain is just pain.
They told me not to be like that.
Why? I can't even end things the way I want?
They told me to figure out why I was hurting.
I know very well why. I'm hurting because of me. It's all my fault and because I'm bad.
Doctor, is this what you wanted to hear?
No, I didn't do anything wrong.
When the doctor blamed my personality with a quiet voice, I thought it was so easy to be a doctor.
It's amazing how much I'm hurting. People who are hurting more live well. People weaker than me live well. I guess not. Out of everyone alive, there's no one hurting more than I am and there's no one weaker than I am.
But they said I should live.
I asked why so many times, but it's not for me. It's for you.
I wanted to be for me.
Don't say things that don't make sense.
Figure out why I'm hurting? I told you why. Why I was hurting. Is it not okay to be hurting this much because of that? Do I need a more dramatic detail? I need more of a story?
I told you why. Were you not listening? Things I can win over don't end in scars.
It wasn't my place to clash with the world.
It wasn't my life to be known to the world.
They said that was why I was hurting more. Because I had clashed with the world, because I was known to the world. Why did I choose this? That's funny.
It's a miracle I lasted this far.
What more can I say? Just tell me I worked hard.
That it was good of me to come this far. That I worked hard.
Even if you can't smile as you let me go, please don't blame me.
I worked hard.
I really did work hard.
Good bye.
If you or someone you know is at risk of self-harm or suicide, seek help as soon as possible by contacting agencies specializing in crisis intervention and suicide prevention in the United States and abroad.
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